Reuters (Canada) and MTV are reporting today that six actors have either screen tested, or are set to screen test for the role of Captain America, in The First Avenger: Captain America helmed by the new The Wolfman director Joe Johnston. Up for the position of the scrawny kid from Brooklyn who gets pumped full of goverment pharmaceuticals and becomes Marvel’s foremost superhero are: Chase Crawford, Michael Cassidy, Patrick Flueger, Mike Vogel, Wilson Bethel, and John Krasinski
These are some of the most ridiculous casting choices for this role I could ever imagine. These guys might be right for pre-Super Soldier Serum Steve Rogers, but no amount of bulking up will ever give them the proportions of Captain America, an post-Olympian-level athlete. Let’s just pretend that these are in fact 1930’s Steve Rodgers, and that Captain America is Eric Dane.
Mind you, I don’t know who most of the people on this casting couch are, so this necessitated Google searches for their likenesses. More often than not, these searches also facilitated valid reasons for why they should be disqualified for the role, for various sorts of reasons. Let’s take a look at these results and figure this out together, shall we?
Mr. Crawford, apparently of the film The Covenant, and the series Gilmore Girls, has a penchant for Abercrombie and Fitch moose pants and fellating domestic beer-bottles. He’s perfect for this role because he only blows American brands and plays football. Are you kidding me? I will never believe that this guy can do anything more than look pretty and suck like a Hoover, which can actually be quite useful on a casting couch, but not in the makings of Captain America – which brings us to:
Michael Cassidy and Patrick Fleuger
Having been in Smallville and the oft-forgotten Tim Allen movie, Zoom, Michael Cassidy’s ready to play a superhero, right? Pump in the steroid and he’ll totally be ready to take on Nazis, Communists, and Islamic terrorists. He’s just got to fill out this questionnaire, and then we’ll get a blood sample…
Well hell – sorry dude: we’ll just move onto the next candidate. Patrick Fleuger’s been in the new Tobey Maguire/Jake Gyllenhaal/Natalie Portman movie Brothers, as an Army man no less, and the series The 4400. Looks like a clean-cut kid, straight out of 1930’s Brooklyn…
Lost another one, dammit.
You may have seen this kid’s mug in Cloverfield and The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. I haven’t, because I refuse to subject myself into fantasy that doesn’t make sense – like a creature of those proportions pulling itself to land and being able to fit into a pair of pants. I’m sorry, in my mind The Sisterhood of the Cloverfield Pants is now inextricable. Moving on:
I didn’t know Mike Vogel from Adam, so I utilized my amazing search abilities to look him up:
Well then – as much as I must admit that I admire the younger Mike on his obvious wooing abilities, I’m afraid that we fall into the same issues as before: Pre-roid-rage Rogers, sure, but for Cap you’ve got too much bone, not enough chicken. Next!
The guy with the same name as the synagogue down the street is from New Hampshire, but frankly looks German – which might be okay for the blond-hair, blue-eyed Übermensch, Captain America. He’s a soap opera star, which has been the formula for the past casting of a different staple superhero, so he may still be a possibility. Let me state for the record that I don’t endorse this, despite the fact that he looks spiffy in a combat helmet, seen in the 2008 film, 1968 Tunnel Rats, which was directed by film-making Antichrist Uwe Boll.
This is perhaps the biggest name on the list, and certainly comes as the biggest surprise. The guy from The Office and License to Wed? Really? Besides for the fact that he’s of Polish descent and doesn’t look a thing like the boy in blue – he’s also lanky. Sure he might have some acting chops, but it would be like casting Jim Carrey as Batman. They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, so let’s let Photoshop do the talking for us: