Create Nerdy Hypochondriac’s Wet-Dream, Win $10 Million!

Some of you might read that headline and think I was talking about the holodeck because I said “Nerdy” and “Wet-Dream” in the same sentence. This is not the case (note how I carefully added the word “hypochondriac”), because if someone could make the holodeck, they would MAKE way more than $10 Million. And yes, that would be from the sweat of some very nerdy, out-of-breath, presumably Cheetos encrusted toiling. I’ve gone and grossed myself out now. Let’s get back on track, shall we?

That's a peripheral to the right, not a butt-oriented accessory; get your damn minds out the gutter!

The X Prize Foundation, which funded a commercial race to space in the past, with partner Qualcomm, has offered a $10 million prize to whomever can make a functional medical scanner, as featured on Stark Trek: The Next Generation, StarTrek.com reports. Well, it doesn’t have to be exactly like the show’s tricorder, but there are some specifications that must be met before one can claim the ten cool ones as their own.

Though not yet releasing the disease list, X Prize Tricorder Edition (officially called the Qualcomm Tricorder X Prize) participants need to create a single device that weighs less than five pounds that can effectively scan and diagnose fifteen human ailments. Certainly wrist pain won’t be one of said diagnoses, because we all know chronic fwapping is responsible for that hurt locker.

As X Prize Foundation chairman and CEO Peter Diamandis said at CES, where the contest has been announced:

“The tricorder that was used by Spock and Bones inspires a vision of what healthcare will look like in the future,” Diamandis stated to the audience at CES, according to BBC News and other media outlets. “It will be wireless, mobile and minimally or non-invasive. It may use digital imaging. It may be sequencing your DNA on the spot to tell you if you are allergic to something you just ate.”

While yes such a device would be a great boon to humanity they seem to have forgotten Genesis: season 7, episode 19 of TNG  where Barclay becomes the progenitor of a disease that causes everyone on the crew to devolve (I’m not that big a nerd, I looked it up, okay?); all right, yes, something ended up being wrong with him, but the level of hypochondria Reggie demonstrates debilitates him from doing his job. And doesn’t he steal a tricorder at some point in that episode?

At any rate, what I’m trying to get at here, is that making this sort of technology in every household will have disastrous consequences on some of them…but so does television, so what am I complaining about? The world will be a better place once someone claims this prize – and it shouldn’t be too far off if Crunchwear‘s at all right. I’m just hoping the tech doesn’t spare women the indignity of peeing on sticks to find out if they’re pregnant or not – because nothing makes an unwanted pregnancy more laughable than a little schadenfraude to boot.

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