Nerd (Micro) Blurbs: Dick Jokes Edition

Interesting late-breakings around the News-o-sphere today regarding size: it DOES matter after all. What’s that? Oh, that was a cheap, inaccurate dick joke? Okay, we’ll get to the actual news then. Scientists have been making tiny breakthroughs and large discoveries and we’ll give you the size of it in this edition.

“…I’m Going to Need a Microscope…” (That’s What She Said!) “…To See Your Processor…”

Because great scientific discoveries always seem to come in twos: two different research facilities are working on processors the size of atoms. But IBM is taking an upper-hand it seems, as The New York Times reports, by making twelve atoms their bitches forcing them to spit out both zeroes and ones. Now, I’m not about to out-write The Times so I’ll let you read that article and not pontificate, but they are partially responsible for all these dick jokes because they interviewed a Stanford professor for this article named Shan X. Wang. I shit you not.

Now, we’re not only talking about quantum computing, but processors infinitely smaller than the ones we have today that can process information better than even the most formidable super computer today. Crazy.

Of course we’re still left with a measurement problem:

"Your porn, under such a quantum processor, would both exist and not exist. Also, your wiener is tiny." -Albert Einstein

That was…uh…helpful, Einstein. Thanks for that. Moving on.

Herpetologists Find Tiniest Member!

That headline doesn’t mean what you think it means. Herpetology is the study of zoology primarily concerned with amphibians and reptiles. Researchers at Louisiana State University, as Fox News states here, have discovered the smallest frog on record and claim it’s the smallest vertebrate ever found. So while whether or not it’s the smallest thing with a spine is up for debate, it is undoubtedly the tiniest member of its order. Ahem. Seriously, you all need to run your minds through a spin cycle because y’all are just sick.

"Call me a horny toad." "Okay, you're a horny toad." "No, seriously; they had to flip this coin over because I wouldn't stop humping Roosevelt's face. Someone get me a slimy hooker!" "I'll get Paris Hilton on the phone for you, the rest is up to you."

Two hours later that little frog entered Paris’ vagina and was never heard from again. A search party of herpetologists were congregated outside said hoochie coochie but then someone said, “I’m not touching that,” and everyone just sort of milled around a bit then left. Presumably the frog died from a venereal disease. Hurray, full circle on the jokes!

“I’ve Got Small Balls” -NASA

Really? Come on. They’re not even the ones who made the discovery…*sigh.*

As actual news-source Information Week reported earlier today, data accumulated by NASA’s Kepler Probe allowed a California Institute of Technology research team to pick out three planets: the smallest planets ever found, outside our solar system, and no longer are we the laughing stock of the galaxy. Sure, Jupiter’s the average size, but you know, there are some out there that are our-size. Hell, there are some that are even smaller than us.

The smallest of the three exoplanets is about Mars’ size (see, smaller ‘en us), and rocky, but is too close to its sun and thus “too hot to be considered habitable.”

"There's always other ways of pleasing a rocky upstart, too hot to be considered inhabitable." - Albert Einstein

Alright, that’s enough out of you creep-o. And enough out of me too. This has been Nerd (Micro) Blurbs, as well as my shame.


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Filed under Celebrities, Nature, Nerd Blurbs, News, Science

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