Category Archives: Movies

Top 5 Reasons Not To See Fantastic Four

Fantastic Four opened this weekend with lackluster reception, both critically and commercially. In this article we will explore why it didn’t do so well, from the rehashing of the origin story all the way to the studio problem. Strap in and read on as we list the top 5 reasons not to see the Fantastic Four movie directed by Josh Trank.

The Story

In this iteration of the Fantastic Four story, the cast of characters gets transported to another dimension. The world that they go to is fractured and cracked and a tragedy befalls them, similar to the original origin story, where the Fantastic Four are shot into space and are exposed to cosmic rays, per the Stan Lee creation. They return to our dimension to find that their bodies are altered, all of them exhibiting strange new powers.

The problems with the script and the story are the same that befell Sony Pictures last attempt at rebooting Spider Man, where they are, firstly, rehashing the origin story of characters already in the public consciousness, both through comic books and via the films that preceded this one. It would be much more interesting, I think, to start at the sequel (with a big fight, where they are victorious despite Ben’s increasing agitation, Susan’s inability to control her powers, and Johnny’s daredevil-may-care recklessness) and use flashbacks to demonstrate Reed’s guilt and responsibility for his friends and love interests’ problems, and his ceaseless attempts to cure them while also using their powers for good.

A message to Hollywood, if you’re reading this, please listen to us when we say we already know these characters. They are part of our collective consciousness: this is why you’re making this movie in the first place – it’s already a thing, why make a movie explaining it’s a thing? Just be the thing. Speaking of the Thing…

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Around the Multiplex: Don’t Divide Joyful Beauty Loosies to Talk Iron Albatross Contraband

So I picked a hell of a week to get back in this game: nine movies are coming out this weekend and we here at Worlds As Myth are going to judge whether they’re worth the price of admission (what’s the going rate on that now: a first-born son, right?), whether you should wait for it to come out on DVD, or just skip it all together – based on the TRAILER. No time to linger, we’re going to start pointing fingers.

For the sake of our sanity, we’ll go via the IMDB listing:

Contraband

An ex-smuggler gets pulled back into the life when his brother-in-law gets into some serious ish. Starring Mark Wahlberg (The Italian Job, The Happening) as said reformed runner, Kate Beckinsale (The Aviator, next week’s Underworld: Awakening) as the wife with the ne’er-do-well sibling, and Giovanni Ribisi (Boiler Room, Avatar) as the smuggler who’s gonna f– said ish up, this movie has action-adventure with chuckles written all over it. But possibly not for the reasons they think: let’s take a look at the video and talk in a second.

Did…did those guys wrap duct tape around their faces? Don’t they know how hard it is to get that stuff off? I hope they got paid more than the going extra rate – jeez. So that looks…like a really forced situation, a somewhat tired, told story (“Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in!“) but with armored cars blowing up and (phony?!) money that can’t get wet. As I’ve said before, in previous Around the Multiplexes (go ahead, look them up), action movies are supposed to be judged on a different scale, but this thing looks like it’s trying to tell a story (they even got a hell of a cast involved: Ben Foster (Liberty Heights, Pandorum) and J.K. Simmons (Spidermans 1-3, Oz) in on the mix) so forget that. I’m giving this a one-out-of-five Kate Beckinsale not in spandex (we’ll see you next week Kate) for seeing it in theaters and three-and-a-half-out-of-five lackeys wrapped in duct tape for seeing Contraband on Netflix.

That was easy! Only…eight more to go. Can I get a Hallelujah! because we’re moving onto:

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Weekly Time Waste: The Expendable Scott Pilgrim

Because Mickey Rourke looks infinitely more handsome in purple hair.

So we’ve got Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and The Expendables opening today, so I thought to have so photoshop fun and tom-foolery.

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If Sarah Michelle Geller is Cast as The Wasp, I Swear Whedon…

News out of Comic Con SD today indicates that Firefly and Buffy the Vampire Slayer helmer, Joss Whedon, is set to direct the upcoming Avengers movie, Entertainment Weekly reports. The nerd in me is excited, but it’s also cautiously raising it’s eyebrows (when around Whedon, you want to cautiously raise your eyebrows, otherwise he might mistake you for a transforming vampire and have you staked).

Yes, Whedon is responsible for some well-done nerditity with his sci-fi story-telling, but there seems to also be a part of him that wants to appeal to pre/post pubescent girls, a demographic that just doesn’t work for the geek demographic you’re selling to and the actor load that’s lined up. Okay, maybe X-Men tapped into that some of that younger lady appeal with Hugh Jackman and James Marsden, but here’s the thing. Who’ve we got for the Avenger’s line-up? Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Downey Jr., Ed Norton (maybe?), Chris Hemsworth (Kirk’s dad in Star Trek), and Chris Evans (Johnny Storm in Fantastic Four). Sure, some of these guys are dream-boaty, but not to the Buffy crowd.

That aside? Whedon’s a phenomenal story-teller, giving otherwise dry, bloated characters a sense of realness. Is Tony aka Iron Man about to hit the sauce super-hard? Will an out-of-time, maladjusted Captain America beat the living snot out of some dude for coming on to him? Will a useless Bruce Banner unleash the Hulk so that his over-funded team-mates have something to hit? What about Henry Pym, are we going to see him break his wife’s face in celluloid? How far are we taking this Whedon?

The director is a self-professed feminist, who does terrible things to his female characters, in order to have them drag themselves up by their beat-up boot heels. Considering that the line-up of the Avengers doesn’t include very many women, generally, that we’ll definitely have The Wasp, and that yeah, her husband’s probably going to hit her. Other qualifiers for the position of  team chicks include: Black Widow (which is a STRONG possibility, being established in IM2), Scarlet Witch (less so, she didn’t appear in the X-Men movies…did she?), She-Hulk (fuck that green snatched two-d character), Hellcat (who?), and Jessica Jones AKA Ms. Marvel, who’s a fan favorite, but obscure enough for the studios to just say “no,” as though her outfit were made of marijuana.

They say to not judge a book by it’s cover, and that’s probably doubly so when that book hasn’t even been written yet, so I’m going to reserve judgment until I see a trailer. Then we’ll judge galore. Until then, have a great weekend, true believers.

-Excelsior! (Eh? See what I did there?)

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Missing Links: Holy Crap Edition

Some stuff garners your attention like nothing else can, drops your jaw and makes you say, “Holy crap.” That’s the type of stuff we’re concerned with on this week’s edition of Missing Links. From farting felines to fun with photoshop, this Missing Links is like a turd dropped in a bowl of sanctified wine…that metaphor sounded better in my head.

  1. Graphic artists in the Netherlands have created one of the craziest light shows in the world. It’s a work that is transformative of the building it’s projected upon. Wholly astounding.
  2. I didn’t even know cats could hiccup. Don’t see why they wouldn’t be able to, but just never have been in the presence of cat-‘cups. Have witnessed their flatulence though, so I’m only half-astounded by this video: Cat Farts & Hiccups at the Same Time. I never thought something like that would be adorable.
  3. Are you a nerd that likes to get his drink on? Combine the two worlds and imbibe this concoction, a taste cocktail affectionately called The Warp Pipe.
  4. Some fun displays of multiplicity. Yes, technology your average person owns has surpassed the best effects of crappy Michael Keaton movies.
  5. Behind the scenes TED talk from engineer Adam Sandusky, discussing the creation of the OK Go Rube Goldberg machine video for This Too Shall Pass, which I was listening to while writing this post. Cheers.
  6. Flash. Circles of color. Put your mouse over them. They divide. Like, whoa man.
  7. One of the coolest clocks I’ve ever seen. I think I’m going to make it my homepage. What’s with the Netherlands totally rocking visual design?
  8. The most holy crap moments filmed ever; some of the luckiest people on the planet, escaping death by just fractions and millimeters.
  9. Wired Science has an article that transitions sci-fi with science fact: the Japanese have deployed a spacecraft with a solar sail propulsion system. Snoogans.
  10. MarioCrossover.com places other video game characters in the plumber’s world. Why no one thought to do this before is beyond me, but it’s awesome…except that one can’t seem to toggle the sound. Oh well.

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Weekly Time Waste: Get Him to the Greeky Friday Edition

Hurh?

The tale of a rocker who switches bodies with his overweight handler.

Get Him to the Greek comes out this week, and while reading the New York Times review, I became inspired. Not even ten minutes this took, and yes, you can tell, but I think it captures (with distinct character of its own) what I was going for. Just look at the surprise on their faces; it’s priceless. Yes, I would pay bank to see the version of the movie this photoshoppery entails, but with Russel reprising his Forgetting Sarah Marshall role of Aldous Snow – I’m still expecting quite a show.

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Support Dorkman!

So in the last post I gave a link to 10 fan-made lightsaber fights, two of which are Ryan vs. Dorkman, some really exemplary examples of visual effects and choreography on a shoe-string budget [check out the videos at the bottom of the post]. Feeling compelled after watching those videos again, I did some research on one of the creators, Michael “Dorkman” Scott, who is currently working in LA as a visual effects artist. He’s had a hand in the creation of Night at the Museum 2, as well as the recent hit, Alice in Wonderland. He’s also a fledgling filmmaker, having compiled a few shorts he’s since put on his YouTube Channel.

Now he’s looking to make his first feature film, but has been having some trouble getting studios to give him a break into the business – they’re interested in looking at his work once he’s made a name for himself, but he needs to get a foot in, and he’s got a plan. He set up a Kickstarter page, which allows him to create a cause and accept donations. He’s trying to raise $60,000 by May 10th. If he doesn’t hit his goal by then  you won’t have to pay a dime – if he does  make the money, he intends to expand this short film he did, entitled Kung Fu Red:

Here’s his Youtube request for funds:

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