Around the Multiplex: Don’t Divide Joyful Beauty Loosies to Talk Iron Albatross Contraband

So I picked a hell of a week to get back in this game: nine movies are coming out this weekend and we here at Worlds As Myth are going to judge whether they’re worth the price of admission (what’s the going rate on that now: a first-born son, right?), whether you should wait for it to come out on DVD, or just skip it all together – based on the TRAILER. No time to linger, we’re going to start pointing fingers.

For the sake of our sanity, we’ll go via the IMDB listing:

Contraband

An ex-smuggler gets pulled back into the life when his brother-in-law gets into some serious ish. Starring Mark Wahlberg (The Italian Job, The Happening) as said reformed runner, Kate Beckinsale (The Aviator, next week’s Underworld: Awakening) as the wife with the ne’er-do-well sibling, and Giovanni Ribisi (Boiler Room, Avatar) as the smuggler who’s gonna f– said ish up, this movie has action-adventure with chuckles written all over it. But possibly not for the reasons they think: let’s take a look at the video and talk in a second.

Did…did those guys wrap duct tape around their faces? Don’t they know how hard it is to get that stuff off? I hope they got paid more than the going extra rate – jeez. So that looks…like a really forced situation, a somewhat tired, told story (“Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in!“) but with armored cars blowing up and (phony?!) money that can’t get wet. As I’ve said before, in previous Around the Multiplexes (go ahead, look them up), action movies are supposed to be judged on a different scale, but this thing looks like it’s trying to tell a story (they even got a hell of a cast involved: Ben Foster (Liberty Heights, Pandorum) and J.K. Simmons (Spidermans 1-3, Oz) in on the mix) so forget that. I’m giving this a one-out-of-five Kate Beckinsale not in spandex (we’ll see you next week Kate) for seeing it in theaters and three-and-a-half-out-of-five lackeys wrapped in duct tape for seeing Contraband on Netflix.

That was easy! Only…eight more to go. Can I get a Hallelujah! because we’re moving onto:

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Nerd (Micro) Blurbs: Dick Jokes Edition

Interesting late-breakings around the News-o-sphere today regarding size: it DOES matter after all. What’s that? Oh, that was a cheap, inaccurate dick joke? Okay, we’ll get to the actual news then. Scientists have been making tiny breakthroughs and large discoveries and we’ll give you the size of it in this edition.

“…I’m Going to Need a Microscope…” (That’s What She Said!) “…To See Your Processor…”

Because great scientific discoveries always seem to come in twos: two different research facilities are working on processors the size of atoms. But IBM is taking an upper-hand it seems, as The New York Times reports, by making twelve atoms their bitches forcing them to spit out both zeroes and ones. Now, I’m not about to out-write The Times so I’ll let you read that article and not pontificate, but they are partially responsible for all these dick jokes because they interviewed a Stanford professor for this article named Shan X. Wang. I shit you not.

Now, we’re not only talking about quantum computing, but processors infinitely smaller than the ones we have today that can process information better than even the most formidable super computer today. Crazy.

Of course we’re still left with a measurement problem:

"Your porn, under such a quantum processor, would both exist and not exist. Also, your wiener is tiny." -Albert Einstein

That was…uh…helpful, Einstein. Thanks for that. Moving on.

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Create Nerdy Hypochondriac’s Wet-Dream, Win $10 Million!

Some of you might read that headline and think I was talking about the holodeck because I said “Nerdy” and “Wet-Dream” in the same sentence. This is not the case (note how I carefully added the word “hypochondriac”), because if someone could make the holodeck, they would MAKE way more than $10 Million. And yes, that would be from the sweat of some very nerdy, out-of-breath, presumably Cheetos encrusted toiling. I’ve gone and grossed myself out now. Let’s get back on track, shall we?

That's a peripheral to the right, not a butt-oriented accessory; get your damn minds out the gutter!

The X Prize Foundation, which funded a commercial race to space in the past, with partner Qualcomm, has offered a $10 million prize to whomever can make a functional medical scanner, as featured on Stark Trek: The Next Generation, StarTrek.com reports. Well, it doesn’t have to be exactly like the show’s tricorder, but there are some specifications that must be met before one can claim the ten cool ones as their own.

Though not yet releasing the disease list, X Prize Tricorder Edition (officially called the Qualcomm Tricorder X Prize) participants need to create a single device that weighs less than five pounds that can effectively scan and diagnose fifteen human ailments. Certainly wrist pain won’t be one of said diagnoses, because we all know chronic fwapping is responsible for that hurt locker.

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Weekly Time Waste: The Phantom of the Shatner Edition

Weekly Time Waste: The Phantom of the Shatner Edition

"I'm...the Phantom. Of the Opera....inside...insideyourmind. KHAAAAAAAAAN!

This week’s time waste is brought to you by the fact that William Shatner will be starring in a one-man show on Broadway, titled “Shatner’s World: We Just Live in It,” The NY Daily News reports. As the article states, quoting the producers, “The two-hour show will take audiences on a voyage through Shatner’s life and career, from Shakespearean stage actor to internationally known icon and raconteur.” No word yet on how much of those two hours will be filled with dramatic pauses. Previews start on Feb. 14th at the Music Box Theatre and will play there until March 4.

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January 11, 2012 · 10:35 AM

Missing Links: Art Edition

This week on Missing Links we’ve got street art, crime maps, and Disney Princesses if they got drunk in Las Vegas and ambled into tattoo parlors – all the links have SOMETHING to do with art but you’ll have to look at the article to get all the details.
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It’s The End of the World As We Know…OOOH, SHINY!

Back in January 2010 we mentioned in a Nerd Blurbs how the Doomsday Clock, the metaphorical clock that looms over humanity with the threat of nuclear apocalypse had shifted back from five to six minutes. Well, looks like it’s been shifted back to five minutes, The Chicago Tribune reports here. Is this the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists riding the 2012 ‘End of the World’ train, or does proliferation and the Japan earthquake and subsequent nuclear disaster really warrant our being pressed closer (together, terrified, trembling and crying violently) with the doom of nuclear holocaust…oh, CES is on? Let’s look at some upcoming technologies instead of this bore-fest, huh?

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Nerd Blurbs: Earth, Air, and Space Edition

Greetings earthlings and welcome back to both you and us at Worlds As Myth!

In this week’s edition of Nerd Blurbs we’ll take a look at some hot news regarding the thought-extinct Galapagos tortoise, how carbon emissions are affecting our weather, and we’ll take a look at Joe Piscopo‘s career!…what’s that? Oh, rather, we’ll talk about the new map of the universe’s dark matter – sorry Piscopo for giving you hope you actually have a career to speak of.

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