Around the Multiplex: Clash of the Last Married Warlords, M’Kay(?)

We’ve got some serious suck hitting theaters this weekend, some true to life bullocks, to borrow a word. Up on the roster this week is Clash of the Titans, The Last Song, Why Did I Get Married Too?, Warlords, and Don McKay. Okay, maybe I’m being unfair – at initial impression it’s MOSTLY bollocks; let’s get this done with then, neh?

Clash of the Titans

Hollywood loves to unnecessarily remake movies – I think it has something to do with making a fuck-ton of money with minimal effort. Why be original when another film has already set a precedent for being widely accepted? Look – here’s a perfectly serviceable mo…

Okay…so the graphics and fight sequences have come a ways since then. But you’re not gonna get a better cast than Burgess Meredith, Maggie Smith, and Sir Lawrence Olivier…they…they got Liam Neeson (Batman Begins, Chloe), Ralph Fiennes (Harry Potter, Schindler’s List), Sam Worthington (Avatar, Terminator: Salvation), Jason Flemyng (From Hell, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), and Pete Postlethwaite (The Usual Suspects, The Lost World: Jurassic Park)? Well then – kudos to the casting department. Let’s look at the trailer:

I suppose I need to judge this based on action-scale, but with a cast like they’ve got lined up I really shouldn’t have to. Yes, the action sequences are a great improvement from the original but why does everyone look so stiff? Yes, you’re re-enacting a 3,600 year old story about Perseus bringing war to the gods, but put a little feeling in it, huh? Aside from that, the studios spent a ton of money to rush converting the film into 3d after seeing the success of Avatar – MTV spoke to James Cameron and Jon Landau about the whole debacle.

So rating; worth of seeing it…using the action scale, I’ll give it three-and-a-half out of five Gorgon heads for seeing it in theaters for what looks like some pretty wicked action; I give it zero out of five Pegasuses (Pegasii?) for seeing it in 3d considering it was converted to the format and will probably look stupid. Based on the trailer, I’m gonna give it a four out of five Krakens for seeing it on DVD or when it airs on HBO, because, hey – there’s worse movies you could subject yourself to, like the next two numbers on this list.

The Last Song

“…It’s a half-hour weekly show, that I will host, entitled Let’s Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus.” – Bill Hicks

Oh Bill, if only your dream had become a reality back then, perhaps we would not have been subjected to the mind-numbing hypocrisy that is Hannah Montana or be forced to endure the horse-faced performance of Cyrus’s daughter in The Last Song. This screenplay, whose filmed celluloid version is also occupied by Greg “I was nominated for an Oscar once” Kinnear (As Good As It Gets, Mystery Men) and scientologist boinker (allegedly) Kelly Preston, was written by the guy who wrote the novels of The NotebookDear John, A Walk to Remember, and Message in a Bottle. This might mean that your girlfriend may try and make you see this movie. Despite the ramifications to your sex-life (or frankly, if your significant other just must see this movie, find a smarter partner), do not let this happen – you will have to endure nearly two hours of staring at Miley Cyrus’s misshapen face and  the trailer’s hard enough to make it through, but here we go:

This is worse than poignant crap, it’s useless crap – meandering and worthless, with pseudo-sentimentality and not a trope missed. If anyone goes into that movie wondering whether or not she accepts that invitation to Julliard is an idiot. I give this cinematic disaster a flat zero of five out-of-tune pianos for seeing ever. Someone please power-drill my eyeballs out before we have to rate the next one…

Why Did I Get Married Too?

Tyler Perry is about the worst thing to happen to comedy since 9/11. I didn’t actually think that it could get any worse than the Madea movies and the so-called comedies that play on TV. Then Perry tried his hand at drama.

That’s the trailer for what appears to be the sequel (hence the “too”). Here’s the trailer for the first one:

So you’ve got (most of) the same actors, in the exact same situation, in a different location, with slightly different circumstances and…what? What am I missing here? Why was this movie made? What didn’t you say with the first one Perry?

Was it the glass table? Did you really want to see Janet break that? Did it finally occur to you that the first one made no sense because black people don’t go up snow-capped mountains?

This offense to cinema, despite having solid actors in Michael Jai White (Spawn, The Dark Knight) and Richard T. Jones (Event Horizon, Vantage Point) and outstanding talents in Janet Jackson and Jill Scott, gets a hard pan at zero out of five “non-comedic Couples Retreats” for seeing it except under being bound into a clockwork orange.

Warlords (头明庄, Tau Ming Chong)

There is only one word for this film: epic. Its trailer alone showcases humanity at its most brutal and most beautiful. A tale set in a Qing Dynasty assassination plot, though previously told – has never been seen on film like this:

Starring Jet Li (The One, Lethal Weapon 4), Takeshi Kaneshiro (House of Flying Daggers, Returner), and Andy Lau (The Legend of Drunken Master, House of Flying Daggers) this masterful piece of cinematography is worth scores more than every previous item on this list combined, and just goes to show that Newton’s Laws stand – for every (three) action(s) there is an equal and opposite reaction. The fact that Warlords is only playing in New York and Los Angeles is disheartening, because this seems like a film both extravagant and delicate – marking the state of humanity when it faces a state of war in a gritty, pre-Industrial Revolution society. For action and cinematography I give this five of five littered war zones for seeing it as soon as you can.

Don McKay

Here’s another NY/LA weekend exclusive, Don McKay, which seems off the bat as a film that’s equal parts Alfred Hitchcock Presents and Forrest Gump, an oddly compelling thriller starring Thomas Hayden Church (Spiderman 3, Smart People), Elizabeth Shue (Back to the Future: Part 2, The Saint), Melissa Leo (Righteous Kill, Frozen River), M. Emmet Walsh (Rome+Juliet, Blade Runner), Keith David (Gargoyles: Goliath, Requiem for a Dream), James Rebhorn (Cold Mountain, Independence Day), and Pruitt Taylor Vince (Constantine, Identity). This is what’s known in the industry as a hell of a cast:

I’m not sure what to make of this year-old film. It looks well shot, and something of a compelling story, except I can’t put my finger on something. Maybe it’s the Frankenstein’s monster thing going on with Church, or that the only other film the writer/director is credited with is PA on Anger Management, but something is sitting funny with me about this movie. Nonetheless, I am intrigued, and give this one a four-and-a-half out of five deep, dark secrets for seeing it on DVD.

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Filed under Celebrities, Movies, Moving Pictures

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