Around the Multiplex: Repo Runaway Wimpy Bounty Hubble Dragon Tattoo

Holy spumoni there’s a lot of stuff hitting the theaters this weekend.  Up on our docket is The Bounty Hunter, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, The Runaways, Repo Men, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and IMAX: Hubble 3D. Like usual, we’ll make our judgments of as to their worth for watching based on what the studios think will draw an audience into the seats, the trailers – often with comical results! Let’s waste no time – here’s the lowdown and dirty.

IMAX: Hubble 3D

This 45-minute film’s first on our list because it’s the one I’m most excited about, and the one I’m most upset about being out in limited release only this weekend. If you read this blog regularly, you know that space fascinates me to no end. You also know film is one of my top hobbies. You put these two things together and I am a happy little monkey. Let’s talk after the trailer.

Did you see the Space Shuttle taking off! The images from that space walk! Are you kidding me? This is in 3D?! I just pooped myself!

Aheeem. Sorry. I’m recomposed. Seriously.

This film is important on many levels. Beyond being a better use of 3D technology than Avatar and Alice in Wonderland, this documentary is a testament to human achievement as well as our limitations. Hubble 3D follows the crew of  Shuttle Atlantis on the last space shuttle mission to the Hubble telescope, our primary source of knowledge about the universe, to make some much-needed repairs. The thing’s twenty-years-old, being constantly bombarded by cosmic debris and radiation: Hubble needed a tune-up last year.

Considering there are at least three IMAX theaters in Las Vegas, you’d think I could catch a showing, but for all my internet research (and my considerable search ability), I can’t for the life of me find one. This, I’m hoping, is because it’s in limited release and not because of the nature of this town. It is not surprising to me that one can find twelve different 24 hour all-you-can-eat buffets, but that none of the IMAX theaters here would play a masterpiece in cinematography.

Anyway, I rank Hubble 3D at five out of five free space shuttles for seeing this in theaters as soon as it’s released to a wider audience.

The Bounty Hunter

Let’s get this one out of the way quickly. The Bounty Hunter stars Jennifer Aniston as a reporter investigating a murder cover-up who has her ex-husband (Gerard Butler), a bounty hunter, on her ass and trying to bring her in. To start with, I’m a guy, so I’m genetically predisposed to hating this premise. Tie in the fact that Aniston’s the lead (I don’t care what nice things John Mayer has to say about her) and you have a film that merely hearing about fills me with dread.

Given the option between seeing this movie in theaters or drinking an unmarked test-tube from the CDC, I’d take my chances that the Ebola monkey hasn’t spit in the vial. But don’t take my word for it: here’s the trailer.

Ha hah ha! Leonidas got tase’d bro! That’s wicked funny! Hah hah ha ha hah!

I give this movie zero out of five bail bonds for watching in theaters, and one out of five tasers for watching it on DVD in a month or so if my fiancée straps a car battery to my nuts and fries my huevos first.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

I haven’t seen that many movies these past six months, but the trailer for this has played in the coming attractions for each and every one. This is not a bad thing, considering the trailer is fairly hysterical. Diary of a Wimpy Kid is based on a book series of the same name, the story revolving around Greg Heffley’s (Zachary Gordon; National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa) attempt to survive middle school…by writing a diary. Sounds like Greggy’s going about it the wrong way, a cinematic circumstance sure to be worth its weight in celluloid.

One of the exciting things for me about this movie, besides Steve Zahn (Saving Silverman, Daddy Day Care) and Rachael Harris (The Hangover, The Soloist) playing the parents, is the addition of Chloe Morentz (The Eye, The Amityville Horror{2005}) in the cast, who at thirteen already has an impressive resume, which includes the upcoming Kickass, where she plays Hitgirl. I don’t know if she has a large part perse as she’s only in the briefest of clips in the trailer, but it’s exciting to me nonetheless. The other exciting thing to me is the eclectic dialogue (“Hey Bryce…cute butt,” “Let go baby hippo,” “…it’s got a hair in it…” ), which I cannot say I’ve heard much of these days, particularly coming out the mouths of children (unless you count Kickass, that is).

Anyway, enough jabber: here’s the trailer.

I give Diary of a Wimpy Kid five out of five middle school servings of sloppy joe for seeing it in theaters because comedic film-making like this needs as much encouragement as possible.

Strap in tight, like you were about to reach escape velocity, because we’re only halfway there.

The Runaways

Sixteen-year-old Dakota Fanning (Coraline, Man on Fire) plays fifteen-year-old Cherie Currie and twenty-year-old Kristen Stewart (Twilight, The Yellow Handkerchief) plays seventeen-year-old Joan Jett in the biopic on the formation and rise-to-fame of The Runaways. I don’t actually have all that much to say for this one; I’m not huge on films supposedly telling the true story of musicians, mostly because I’ve devoted too much of my brain to film and technology to know very much about music. That said, here’s the trailer:

It looks like a heart-felt film about an all-girl punk band in the mid-through-late 1970’s. Considering films about musicians always seem to at least contend for Oscars, I’d give this one a fair chance at getting some notice by the Academy. As far as whether to catch this in theaters – that entirely depends on how much you like the band and the music from that era, or how much you like the actors. It also depends on if you live in the right area, as it’s only opening in limited release this weekend: expect it to release in full distribution on April 9th. I’ll give this one, personally, three out of five screeching guitars for seeing it on DVD.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

If there’s one thing I learned in film class it’s that the Swedish are awesome filmmakers. Supposedly. This movie is a Swedish thriller based on a novel by Stieg Larsson, about a journalist investigating the death of sixteen-year-old girl forty years prior. At least, that’s what the book’s about. I think that’s what the movie’s about, but I can’t say anything for certain from this trailer, other than they’re anticipating making two more movies:

Starring Swedish people I’ve never heard of, and opening in limited release this weekend, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo looks beautifully shot and extremely intriguing. The Swedish title is actually Män som hatar kvinnor, which in English means, Men Who Hate Women. Sounds like a great time at the movies, no? Off the trailer alone, I’ll give this one three out of four bodies in the barn for renting it on DVD considering it probably won’t get a larger national release and because there are no art houses in Las Vegas.

Repo Men

This one here is the big action flick out this weekend, and is my money for having the biggest box office draw from the other movies on the list. Why is that precisely? Because while The Bounty Hunter is in fact a chick-flick, Repo Men stars Jude Law (Gattaca, Alfie), and bitches love them some Jude Law. It’s also an action movie, so this will likely be the compromise for couples torn between the Jennifer Aniston bore-fest and She’s Out of My League.

Set in a future where artificial organs are readily available, Law plays a repo man for the organ company who harvests back the product from people who don’t make payments. I don’t know about you, but if I lived in that world and had an artificial heart and a month was getting tight I’d ramen that shit and make the freaking payment. Anyway, Law is joined by Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland, Battlefield Earth), Liev Schreiber (Scream, The Omen), and RZA (Wu-Tang Clan, Coffee and Cigarettes) for this sure-to-be gore-filled cinematic redundancy.

Here’s the thing: action movies, to me, abide by different conditions than other movies. Look at Shoot ‘Em Up and Wanted, for instance: their premises make no sense, but as action movies go, they’re phenomenal, because they play to something bred into our genetic codes but of which we don’t get nearly enough of in our society. That thing is gobs of gooey violence, and Repo Men seems to play directly to that part of my brain. Rating this on the action scale, I’ll give this three and a half artificial spleens for seeing Repo Men in theaters.

That’s all we’ve got for you this weekend (what, six movies weren’t enough?), have a great time at the theaters (and enjoy Hubble 3D if you’re in one of those select cities you lucky bastards).

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2 Comments

Filed under Around the Multiplex, Celebrities, Literary, Movies, Moving Pictures, Nature, Science

2 responses to “Around the Multiplex: Repo Runaway Wimpy Bounty Hubble Dragon Tattoo

  1. Pingback: Scumbag Style » Afternoon Quickies: Celebrity Muzzle Week

  2. Wow. This is awesome. I like it.

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